Buck and the Girls

Sue and I decided some time ago to join a gym so we could live longer, healthier lives.

As it turns out, this joining a gym thing can be injurious to one's well being.

Case in point: I was swimming laps the other day. Whew! I was a competitive swimmer in high school, but as it turns out that was a long time ago. About forty pounds ago actually. So, I'm huffing and puffing my way down and back ... pant, pant, pant .... down and back ... pant, pant, pant .... and on it went for a very long fifteen minutes.

Cripes. Fifteen minutes?!?! Why, I used to .... oh, never mind.

So, after impressing the young stud of a bored lifeguard with my swimming prowess I crawled out of the primordial ooze and, in the throws of a healthy daze, made my way to the welcome relief of the locker room.

As you enter the locker room there is a long hallway lined with shower stalls on either side. Probably about sixteen stalls in all, eight on each side. I make it to the first stall and turn on the hot water.

Yeah baby! THAT felt good! I just stood there and let all that hot water cascade over my (previously) ripped body. I think this is the favorite part of my workout regimen. Wanting the bathing suit to last awhile, I take it off and wash it out in all that hot water. Ummm, that wonderful hot water.

Turning off the water I step out into the hallway to dry off. Not much traffic this morning so I'm not in any one's way. Dried off I stroll on down the hallway, buck necked, to the little machine that dries my bathing suit. Bathing suit in one hand and towel in the other. Flip flops on my feet.

Hmmmm. That's funny. Not only is the little machine that dries my bathing suit gone, but so is the whole wall! AND, as I look left, there is the locker room on the wrong side of the hallway!!

What th'!!!!

And then it hits me, I’m in the women’s locker room!!

AAAIIIYYYEEE. Panic! Adrenaline!! Shrinkage!!!! This is like a bad dream, except it's not a dream.

I spin around, as well as a buck necked guy can spin around in flip flops and start racing back towards the pool, as well as a buck necked guy can race in flip flops.

FLIPFLOP! FLIPFLOP! FLIPFLOP!

Have you ever seen the part of a movie when someone is shocked and the room behind them suddenly stretches out forever? Well, that hallway suddenly grew very, very long the faster I flipfloped towards the door to the pool.

Probably a good thing, actually, since I still had my swimsuit in my left and and towel in my right. No sense in making a bad situation worse, know what I mean?

I dive back into my shower stall, close the door and put my bathing suit back on. Just as I'm ready to complete my escape, about thirty girl scouts come storming into the women's locker room selling cookies.

Okay, that really didn't happen, but it COULD have. I really need to get out of here!!!!!

I make a dash for the pool door: flipflop .... flipflop .... flipflopflipflopflipflop ....

As I run past the door to the women's dressing area there is one lady standing there looking down at her gym bag. Thankfully she had a bathing suit on over her birthday suit. I fly by the door making good flip flop time. I'm not sure if she saw me, but if she did, all she saw was some topless flash in blue bathing trunks making rapid flip flop time.

I burst into the pool area and look around, trying to look calm but probably imitating the proverbial deer in the headlights. The headlights of a semi hauling forty thousand pounds of cargo.

Anyway, only one guy sees my graceless exit from the ladies locker room, so I choose to ignore him, hoping I'm invisible or something.

I make it into the safety of the men's locker room without any air raid sirens going off.

As I'm calming down by my nice, safe locker the guy that saw me coming out of the lady's locker room comes over and says "Dude, I saw you go into the lady's locker room and was going to yell at you but didn't think I should.".

Didn't think he should yell at me?

Really?

Why? Did he think he may startle me or something?

Really?

Do you KNOW what almost happened in there?!?!

I simply assured the guy that if he ever sees me walking through the wrong door again he is MOST welcome to yell at me. Please. Feel free.

So, as it turns out, I had a good cardio workout the other morning, and managed to not get busted.

Whew.